What does a woman do when it’s Saturday night and suddenly, for the first time in longer than she can remember, she’s alone? No Ben. No baby. Just the summertime sound of the neighbors socializing over margaritas in their adjacent backyard.
And the sound of silence. In the quiet that permeates the house I find I hear odd things. Like the hum of the fridge. And the sound of my own breath. I bask in this quiet although it’s tinged with loneliness. In this pause I didn’t know I needed, I still miss my boys.
I eat a simple meal and leave the dishes unwashed. Let the water run, fill the bathtub, and slip into the comforting warmth of it. I want to listen. G-d as I lay in this water and stare at my toes, I want to offer up my life to You once again. All the dreams in my heart. Dare I to dream all the dreams that You might dream through me? For the first time since I can remember, I believe that You want me to be me. Just me. It’s a really wonderful feeling. To think that You just like people for who they are. Does anyone out there besides me ever struggle to lay hold of that?
If there’s anyone out there reading and you ever struggle with being OK with yourself, I want you to know that I do too. I have for most of my life. But I think it’s a terrible waste of ourselves. I think if we could only grasp how much we are loved and how much we have to live for and how unique each one of us is, we’d be unstoppable. We’d be boundless. Forces of love and light in a cold dark world.
So here is my heart’s prayer, here in the wonderful quiet of this lonesome weekend: dream BIG. Sketch and write down what’s in your heart. Dream and invite G-d to dream with you. Invite Him to breathe life into you so you dream again.
My dreams come from G-d and G-d has the power to accomplish them.
–Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way